There’s not much to me. I am a mother first and foremost.  I do the best I can with anything thrown my way.. I give credit to growing up under extremely hard conditions, it hardened me to the reality of life, yet deep down I still have those minute (spell check?) dreams of what I could be doing or should have done, but those quickly pass as my path is already paved. I like to consider myself a generous person, although sometimes an extreme mood swing comes into play, I just face it for what it is.. aggravation, life, pain, struggle, mental illness? pms (lol). I hate to see people suffering, especially children, having been a child in a family of severe abuse I very much understand what and how a child thinks.. the love/hate relationship with a parent(s). wishing you could just be someone else or if someone would just do something about it.. seems like these days there is so much abuse it is astounding.. and I wish I could help everyone! I want to feed and shelter the homeless, I want to know who they are and why they are in their situations ( I can relate as my mother is schizophrenic and spent many years running the streets and I spent many years chasing her to no end) choosing my life’s path has never been easy.. I seem to have always been drawn to abuse (according to the dr that’s typical behavior).. In alot of ways I wish I hadn’t put myself through the situations that I did, but i’m glad I am past it now..I love my kids more than anything in the world.. the oldest will be 16 in June.. we butt heads constantly, but she is a highly intelligent, artistic young lady and I hope and pray she keeps her head screwed on straight and makes something of herself.. I use myself as an example to her.. I’ve been on my own since the age of about 15. there was only 2 choices, stay in abuse or go. I have never regretted anything after that date. yep made some horrible mistakes when I was younger, but somehow God was carrying me all that time  Ali is 7 1/2, very intelligent also, but can be very mischevious especially right after school, but he is a good boy and I have no major problems with him  Ahmed is 4 1/2 when he was born it was a disaster.. he was early (diabetes) I had a placental abruption (this means he was caught in the bag drowning in the fluid and I was hemmoraging) we both came about 2 minutes from dying and Ahmed actually was not breathing at delivery (emergency c-section) he was resucitated after a few minutes and stayed in the NICU although he was 8 lbs the Dr said he couldnt tell for sure at that point but most likely he could have some brain damage and at around 6 months I noticed he wouldnt stop crying all day and night and he wouldnt sleep so after Katrina and alot of other i ssues, we finally got back home and settled down and I started takinghim to his pediatrician (who wouldn’t even entertain the thought) after 3 times in 6 months he finally got hte point and sent us to a child pyschiatrist.. when I got the diagnoses (although I already knew it) it really hit me hard.. it was very sad and very empowering at the same time..I will most likely be 90% part of his life for as long as I live.. for some they may think of it as a burden. I do not, but I am sad that I cannot live forever to care for him as he gets older…. next subject: Marriage …is not all that its cracked up to be.. if you are married and reading this you are probably laughing lol.. it’s a daily struggle also.. when a man asks you to marry him and spend your life with him, you think it’s gonna be everything you dreamed about, well, it’s not. I can honestly say you cannot have it all. you always lack something in every marriage… togetherness is the #1 important issue for me, which I dont have, so I tend to get pissy..how can a man share his life with you if he’s never there?? I understand that parents with children who have handicaps of any nature tend to divorce due to the stress.. and oh yes, I want to walk out the door daily.. maybe one day I will. anyways.. enjoy my blog, you will come to understand why I am as crazy and random as I am.

Advertisements